I see my therapist tomorrow morning and want to make this okay to tell her or help me out here, if I need to make things more better, take some things out or whatnot, please-

I also took responsibility on doing the right thing, pay to the staff members of Food Services, due to a cash shortage thing on Tuesday and relinquish my own self from the Snack bar. I’d talk with Ebony (Assistant Unit Leader) of this and understood what I’d decided to do, to save the paperwork on investigation. So, due to that… I have chosen to consequence myself.
You might get on me on this- chose not to talk to Amanda on Tuesday, due to the discussion we both had on Monday. I discuss about what went on Christmas, which I was harsh talking, to David Richardson (a member I really despise & don’t like to communicate with). What all started off me saying “I hate his guts”, was I ask him nicely to stop turning his cell phone off/on again. It was causing a disturbance and was being nice to him. 05:47 seconds later, in comes Michelle explaining to me “he was in here alone and has all rights to do whatever he wants to do with his phone”. That’s when I got aggravated and “snapped”. I was told that I was going to kick out of the van, of whatever street/road on, if I was to be like this being drop off home. (Which on the outside of me said- that’s fine. But on the inside… “Like I give a damn; I’d walk from Lynnhaven Mall to my house in the 69 degree damp day. Nothing new to me.”)

So, as you can see… FEUD was taken on and consequences were enforced. You probably ask yourself, “sorry to hear about your Christmas, but did you get any good stuff or cards from others you know?” Matter of fact, I did & it was much better for me to see that. Christmas gifts- new Baltimore Raven hooddie shirt, gift cards to Subway & Target (SWEET), new body spray; new dress shirts & pants; a phone card to my phone & the bracelet from Janel I told you about (which I still wear and haven’t took it off). Now waiting of the gift from Cari. Christmas cards- from my mom, Cassandra, Santquanita & her family; my friends- MeMe, Sha, Samantha E., Danielle & Jerry and Julie Carpenter; staff members- Patricia, Thad, Ebony & yes… Amanda.

You also going to say to me, “will you patch things up with Amanda? I think telling her ‘I’m not going to talk to you’, seem harsh, don’t you think? What happen to the happy, joking and high spirit Benjamin you were, when all of us met?” I guess it dawn on me that I was being angry that my friends- Janel & Cari wasn’t around for Christmas and didn’t felt like being alone nor wanted to hear the “holiday spirit” thing. I know that 2010 is coming, but here’s the honest truth… “I don’t usually care how I feel a lot at times”.

When we had the Holiday Party, I was feeling too happy b/c knowing, it was the 02nd year I didn’t see my grandfather (physically) & I didn’t really care about the spirit stuff. Just said, ‘let’s get this thing over-and-done with’. I was the Grinch and I felt happy when I talk with my other friends- Marie, Nikki & Toni (my former co-workers from when I work from Dollar General 02 ½ years ago).

I did told Amanda, “I do go to Beach House to work on my goals, but only with her, Michela, you and anyone else I trust & on my treatment team. I can’t do well with a whole unit or work together, but I’d felt better working on a task alone. Well… doing a snack bar, that’s major hell if you ask me. I already got complaints from others and to me- felt like saying “oh, thanks a lot, you pitiful S.O.B.’s”, next time I won’t be nice”. That also led to seeing Ebony & getting suspended for 01 straight week. That’s the thing… I don’t get along with a lot of people and I have to stand my ground at times. I’m no longer in my teens and let’s not forget… I’m from Maryland- grew up in areas where I face many people, got into feuds, fights and had to stand up for myself in a negative, provoking way. What did it get for me… nothing but consequences. I’m thinking to myself… 02 words- “that’s un(freaking)fair”. How was the outcome… I’d bail out, ignore or stay to myself until I’m ready or do my sketch art drawings to take my anger out on those I despised. (Even say random names from STREET FIGHTER or play my music, just to be in isolation.)

Do I want to continue working on my goals… YES; do I hate being a failure… DOUBLE YES, do I hate hurting those I care about (especially Amanda)… TRIPLE YES. That’s one thing I should mention… “I push people away, when I feel like I’m being denied or I’m in a stage of not talking, b/c I’m hurting myself right now.” It’s just how I feel and wish others acknowledge that. I’m not trying to be the bad guy or “the evil one” as I say. I don’t like things to be unfair. I don’t like being rushed, watched, having my privacy or anything of mines invaded. That’ll lead to automatic 03 “XXX” to me.

So, that’s all the truth and just like before… talking by writing my f

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