My friend and I are young novelists. We enjoy writing and have started various stories. They have grown over time and now, we are considering publication. But first, we are looking for constructive criticism. This here is part of my friend’s story. This is not mine. All credit goes to my friend! It is a vampire love story.
Present
Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. I glanced out the window of my bedroom and there was a mother red robin feeding worms to her baby chicks. I felt a sharp pang of envy. The babies had a family to care for them, I don’t. I haven’t seen my family for 200 years when they banished me. I tried with all my might not to think about that dreadful day. But the memory just played anyway…
1809
“Mother, father. May I speak with you in the parlor?” I had asked. My mother, writing in her journal, and my father, reading his book, stopped what they were doing and followed me.
“What is it Julianna?” my father said. The candlelight made my parents look even paler than they already were. They glowed with a deathly paleness in the sun, but in the shadows, it was worse. My mother’s emerald eyes, shone with curiosity, but said nothing.
“As you know, tomorrow I will turn eighteen years of age. I wish you to change me into what you are. A vampire.”
They, with my older brother, Jonathan, had been born vampires, but I was born as an average human. The reason why is unclear.
“Julianna, you do not know what you are asking us to do. You do not fully comprehend what your father and I must do to make you one of us. You don’t know what you’ll have to do to survive once you are a vampire,” my petite mother explained as she toyed with her long, golden locks of hair. As she said this, she never looked up from the floor. Walking over to her and resting my hand on her shoulder, I said.
“But I do not care. I am tired of being excluded and treated as if I am a mutant in my own home,” I whispered. “Please Mother, I will not ask for anything ever again.” She looked up, glanced at my father, and said.
“Go to bed. We will discuss this in the morning.”
Obeying orders, I went to my room and dreamt of being accepted by my family as a vampire.
Sometime in the night, Jonathan walked in.
He shook me awake and said, “What did they say?”
I found myself immersed in Jonathan’s appearance, much like our father’s. They both have straight, dark brown hair that brushed their ears. They have turquiose eyes, the same straight, broad nose, a similar square jaw, but Jonathan’s was a little rounded from my mother.
I look like my mother’s twin. We both have long blond hair that shone like gold. We both have emerald eyes and petite in every way. But what my entire family had, and what I didn’t, was skin the color of death and a thin blood-red ring around their pupils. I told Jonathan, “Mother said we’d discuss it further in the morning.”
He grunted and nodded. Jonathan and I were as close as a pair of Siamese twins. We knew everything about each other. But he did not understand why I wanted to be a vampire and give up my life as a human, though I have explained it to him many times.
“You do realize that you have to kill to stay alive once you’re a vampire, right?” Jonathan said. I sat up, crossed my legs, and said.
“No I won’t. If I have the amount of self-control I think I do, I will only have to take a little blood from animals. What is the difference between human blood and animal blood? Blood is blood no matter the source.”
Jonathan shook his head and said, “Human blood has a stronger scent, a better taste, and gives you more of an appetite. Animal blood doesn’t. Some of the older vampires say that rare humans have a power in their blood to quench our thirst forever, but no one has discovered this to be true. That is why we drink human blood. Julianna, if you do not kill on your first hunt, Mother and Father will banish you.”
I understood the dangers of being a newborn vampire. The constant appetite for blood, the sharpened senses. But after a few days, you get used to it.
“But maybe they’ll understand my decision. I don’t want to live forever knowing I was responsible for so many deaths and have a guilty conscience. Jonathan, you’ve lived as a vampire your whole life. You’ve been accepted by Mother and Father already. They say they love me no matter if I’m a human or not. But I can tell in their eyes that they don’t and they never will if I don’t do this.” I said.
“You’re right. I should go back to bed. Let me know what Mother and Father say in the morning. Goodnight Julianna.” He said.
“Goodnight, my brother.” I whispered as he closed the door.
Oh, and the beginning of my story is here-
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AoG_OXKTCQZygr2qn.E3Y4jsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100225205536AAWa7bD
It is a fantasy.
